I am looking forward to Thanksgiving next week, and everything that comes with it; the pies, the food, the family, the friends, the pies, more time with my kids, a mini vacation, did I mention the pies? I do not, however, want to jump on the “Thankful” bandwagon, where everyone posts daily what they are thankful for, but I desperately do want to become a more thankful person in general. That message was really driven home for me this week as I was reading from John Gottman’s book, where he stated: “Expressions of thanksgiving and praise are the antidotes to the poison of criticism and its deadly cousin, contempt.” Now I wouldn’t say that my home is full of contempt and criticism, but let’s face it, I have two teenagers, a pre-teen, and a want-to-be-teen, and thoughts of thanks and praise may be harder to find than I would like.
Take today as an example, on the way home from school (which usually takes about 20-30 minutes) the youngest was crying because he was "starving" and did not like the snack I had provided. He stated that nothing had gone right for him today, so I thought it might be a good opportunity to point out some positives. As you have probably guessed, my timing of “thankfulness” was not well received, in fact it only further agitated the situation, because I had not first acknowledged his “real” message, or as John Gottman says, our “gridlock.” In situations like this the best thing to do would have been to listen without judgment to what he wants to say, sooth him and calm him, and then reach a temporary compromise. I did not do that, I just wanted the emotional outburst to end by shutting it up as quickly as possible. This technique works well when in gridlock with a spouse as well :) although, admittedly, I sometimes struggle with that too. I don’t want to see another’s point of view because obviously mine is correct and we don’t need any other! Which is exactly the prospective that keeps me from realizing my husband, or my children’s, true goals and what causes much of our gridlock.
Often this one sided prospective of mine holds anger, resentment, and displeasure when things don’t go the way I saw them working out. The key would be not to try to fix my husband or child, forcing them to see it my way, but in loving, cherishing, and appreciating them. It is amazing what a little appreciation can do! I know I sure love to be appreciated. When it is hard to find things to appreciate about the other person, like when my son was crying and yelling in the back seat, it is easy to forget to be charitable, and Christ-like, yet what a perfect opportunity to do so! We love the Savior because he first loved us. Then if I want my children and my spouse to love me, I have to give and show love first. I’d say to kick start that I will need to show quite a bit more gratitude and praise, instead of condemning and criticism. Wendy Watson once said that “an interesting fact about commending your spouse is that the more you do it, the more you see in him or her to commend.” I want to commend, to focus just on the joy, on the good, and on the positive things that surround me every day. I’m going to praise the world, a heartfelt praise each day.
Is that a challenge you can bandwagon too?
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