Let's be friends

John Gottman just might be my hero right now, and a week ago I didn’t even know he existed.

I read his book, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, which you can find here, this week, but I found that it applied to all of my other relationships as well as my marriage. Being the observer that I like to be, I have spent quite a bit of time the last four days watching people interact. Based on some of the stuff I have read I have cringed slightly as I have watched. I have also been seconded guessing my words before they came out of my mouth, which has had more benefits than I thought!

The first thing that John Gottman teaches is about friendship, and being that life-long friend to your spouse. As I read I pondered on the question: would I be friends with myself? Sometimes that’s easy, because who wouldn’t be friends with someone like me?! But other times…well, I’m not sure that I would want to. Which got me thinking, would I like myself as a parent? I get that the role of a parent is different than the role of best friend, but the overall positive feelings that will come from treating the relationship with more friendship must be similar.

“Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial towards your spouse,” says John Gottman. I don’t know about everyone else, but I sure want the best protection against negative feelings. Sometimes I feel like my house is full of negativity, especially in the few hours between the kids coming home from school and them going to bed! After that three ring circus who has time to be “friendly” with someone who may add to the craziness? But if I ask myself who I want to turn to when my life becomes overwhelming, the answer has always been to the peace of the Lord. Hasn’t he also been described as our friend? How much more than do I have the responsibility to BE a friend to my spouse?

The most positive thing that John Gottman said was, “most marital arguments cannot be resolved,” (say what?!?) “Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind – but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage. Instead, they need to understand the bottom-line difference that is causing the conflict – and to learn how to live with it by honoring and respecting each other.” That’s why John is my hero now, I have had a huge weight lifted. I don’t feel like I have to change my husband’s mind, or correct his personality quirks. He won’t ever be perfect, and I won’t either. Fighting won’t change WHO we are, because that is our character, regardless of the personality flaws. We all need the savior, and the savior has asked me to be a friend to the friendless.