"It's all about the MONEY, MONEY, MONEY..."

"We don’t need your money, money, money!"

A newly married couple has a lot of things to worry about, and money is just one of them. One of the first things a new couple should do is to separate themselves from the families they grew up in, thus creating their own togetherness. This isn’t to say that they need to move across country just to be separate, rather a separating of control and finances.

New couples often are torn between their previous families, especially during the Holidays. Whose house to celebrate or visit can be a gut wrenching decision, especially when parents throw their weight into the decision. James Harper and Susanne Olsen gave a tip on how to best handle the transition, “How much involvement should exist with extended family often requires negotiation and compromise in couple relationships until agreement on solutions can be reached.”

These agreements often become family rules for the new couple, these are the thoughts and guides that will govern the new family’s social roles, interpersonal relationships, and set limits on behavior. We each grew up with them, even if we didn’t know it. It is important to discuss the rules that each of the partners bring into the marriage, especially in relationship to the extended family, and to finances.

Financial stress is the leading cause for divorce, but Harper and Olsen tell us that, “In most cases, when a spouse breaks the other’s rules, it is out of ignorance and quite unintentional.” It would be so sad to end up divorced (which is also the most expensive event, ironic isn’t it?) over miscommunicated rules. Establishing the financial rules of the new household is critical to its ability to continue to function through all the stages of life. One important thing to remember is that the household finances we grew up with will more than likely not be the same standards we will be able to afford when going out on our own. That's why it is not really about the money, even though it kind of sounds like it is. It is actually about the shared rules that a couple will create, after all, “During this transition [to married life] we realize that we must replace much of the autonomy we experienced as a single person with a sense of togetherness. Togetherness does not mean becoming inseparable, nor does it mean losing all personal identity. It does mean that both individuals must commit themselves to thoughtful consideration of the consequences of their actions on their partners” (Harper and Olsen).

Thoughtful consideration of partners, that’s what it’s all about.